STRETCHHEADS: BARBED ANAL EXCITER 10" - Blast First, 1991

... as the title of this ten-incher implies, what excites one man can repulse another and proof comes rudely in the shape and sound of Glasgow/Paisley's STRETCHHEADS.

Like fellow 'weegies DAWSON and their GRUFF WIT label and Edinburghers DOG FACED HERMANS and ARCHBISHOP KEBAB, there was an active microscene of bands for a short time in Scotland who were excessively inspired by the manic and abrasive gtr/bass/ drum attack of Manchester's last great band, the legendary BIG FLAME - the reasons why may never be known.

Marion from DFH said in an interview with ABLAZE! magazine that when she first saw Big Flame, she "never thought you could play so fast"; the interviewer noted wryly that she hoped that they never saw NAPALM DEATH. Fair to say that Strechheads did and indeed do sound like a forceful shunt of The 'Flame and The 'Death, but not under controlled laboratory conditions; crucially they had the antagonist wildcard of singer and psychiatric nurse Phil AKA P6.

I saw 'em twice, at a Country 'n' Western dancehall with DANDELION ADVENTURE in Preston in 1990 and I guess the year after that at a remarkably bad WIRE (or WIR as they were then, as Robert Gotobed was busy farming in Wales) gig at the Clapham Grand in London. The latter was a so-bad-it-was-funny artwank yawnfest. After much ballix, 'Wir' were a boring mess, followed by the HAFLER TRIO, whose 'Appearance' was announced by their name being projected on the back wall of the stage. There was no-one on stage, in fact nothing on stage at all and all that could be heard was a hum. Not a drone or even a soundscape, mind - just a hum.

After a while, as the hum continued, the Stretchheads carried their equipment on stage and set up - drumkit, backline, everything - from scratch, not plugged into the Big Venue PA. P6, dressed as he was in a silver puffa jacket and troosers, delighted at being given a fancy cordless microphone, pulled out a condom he just happened to have and used the mike as an ersatz penis to give the diminishing audience a straightforward and sensible talk on safe sex and the correct way of condom placement. Then they lit rip and it was hilarious and awesome. They pricked the bubble!

BAE ain't their best - their masterpiece of stupidity, "FIVE FINGERS, FOUR THINGERS A THUMB A FACELIFT AND A NEW IDENTITY" album is the stunner, described most accurately by FORCED EXPOSURE as a "Vengeful attack on sensetive creativity". It has a great cover of an arm sticking out of a fireplace surrounded by the charred gloop of the rest of the body of the victim of Spontaneous Human Combustion. I'd been getting the urge to hear it again, hoping it would still sound as good today. And praise be, it does! Here it is at X-RAY BBQ blog, as tipped off by LEXICON DEVIL. Wahey!

crap pics of Stretchheads live in Preston, 09/90 from the personal archive:

Stool Freaks
Satan's Frog
New New Thing in Egypt
Anal Beard Wank System
Theme From The Movie - 'I Had an Extra Intestine'
What's the Hole For?